Issue #2 Out Now!
CONCRETE OCTOPUS
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DON'T BE A CLAM
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DESTROY ALL CRABS
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CONCRETE OCTOPUS • DON'T BE A CLAM • DESTROY ALL CRABS •
Shocking Prejudices in UK Press Revealed by Erroenous News Story:
We at Concrete Octopus were outraged on reading a certain article published on the Daily Mirror website regarding a recent incident at the SEA LIFE London Aquarium. Contrary to the Mirror's version of events, the octopus in question was not in fact attempting to eat a small child in front of their mother, but was simply trying to warn the boy about the dangers of ototoxicity, particularly when dealing with sections of the UK press. The octopus may have also tried to give him a high-five, and while this is certainly dubious behaviour, the octopus has since contacted us and gone on record to state this was nothing more than a social faux pas, that they regret the act wholeheartedly and they understand how the gesture may have been misinterpreted.
In a move that we consider both disgraceful and downright dangerous, the Daily Mail followed up this story yesterday by attempting to suggest the octopus—who shall remain nameless for their own protection—is in fact an immigrant to this country from Afghanistan and that they are living at the London Aquarium on state funds while their asylum application is processed. We assure you, dear reader, that nothing could be further from the truth. The octopus is a British citizen and was born and raised at the aquarium—just because they happen to be fluent in Dari does not mean they are Afghani, it just means they are well-educated and have a cosmopolitan mindset.
Subsequently, we would like to take a moment to address the situation with the utmost delicacy and tact in these difficult times with an open letter to the Daily Mail's readership:
Dear crypto-fascist scum,
Please don't firebomb the London Aquarium like the mindless band of thunts (thuggish cunts) that you are.
Kind Regards,
Concrete Octopus Publishing
Octopuses in the scientific community are finally getting the Recognition They Deserve:
In a recent article published on the BBC News website, Science & Technology reporter, Haverly Fatherly, interviewed octopus chief marine biologist, Qdzynzyqy (pronounced: Quids-in-zi-kwee) aboard the research vessel, Can You Smell That? No, It Must Be Your Imagination, to discuss the recent rise in piscine void-coefficients, first documented off the coast of Bognor Regis in 2024.
We at Concrete Octopus would like to be the first to congratulate both Qdzynzyqy, for their diligent research into this potentially world-changing phenomena and the BBC, for finally acknowledging the brilliant cephalopod intellects behind such daunting scientific revelations as; the true withdrawal effects of clam-pearl addiction, the startling reality behind the colour blorange and the true weight in carp noses of the Eiffel Tower.
Qdzynzyqy would like us to state for the record that their interest in fishing communities is purely academic and any suggestion to the contrary—that they are, for example, hoping to discover the best locations to catch clams, or that they have any nefarious designs of Lovecraftian type proportions on said communities—is salacious, slanderous and quantifiably untrue. They have informed us that anyone found spreading, publishing or promulgating such unfounded fabrications will be pursued through the octopus courts with the same tenacity as a giant squid tracking down a delicious shark that has strayed onto their reef (cephalopod parlance equivalent to “turf” in human-speak). You have been warned.
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